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Depression, Alcohol and Mini-EP announcement – ‘The Tipping Point’

This year has been riddled with problems. But I believe there is a lesson in all of it. The seasons of life are but reminders that each and every one of us must go through constant recreation. This year has seen me have constant fights with depression, suicidal thoughts and what looks to a trained eye as alcoholism.

I recall vaguely one night in February, around Valentine’s Day, sitting in my room with a bottle of wine, a bottle of whisky and a couple bottles of beer, drinking alone for the sole reason to blackout. My reason wouldn’t make sense now; but at the time it seemed the pinnacle of wisdom.

Encountering existential angst as life wasn’t going in a direction that made sense for me, mixed with stress, expectations, ambition and a constant fighting within myself led me to attempt to escape, and in the moment I hoped it was for good.

I found no solace in reading, watching a film or listening to music (my usual methods of tolerating the ‘down’ periods), I found walks provoked more questioning and such, more wrestling with existing and eventually, wanting to end my existence.

I did blackout that evening, so bad that I do not recall the evening except for when I started drinking. I remember waking up and collapsing on my floor when trying to walk. I ended up sobbing alone, in the dark, in an empty room. I was a mess and I couldn’t understand why I was overwhelmed with the urge to kill myself. The more I tried to understand it, the more I got lost in the urge.

Friends said cliché statements when they got hints there was an issue with me. “I’m here if you need me” being the most used phrase. I appreciate anyone offering to help as an extension of personal kindness, however, I’m very proud and find it difficult to accept that I need help, so saying ‘I’m here if you need me’ makes me more aware of the initial ‘needing’ which I run away from so much. I’m stubborn with my individuality and have a warped view of strength and weakness. Weakness in my mind then was showing any form of weakness. I’m still growing out of this view.

This was one example of what I’ve been battling this year. I’m only now, at practically the end of the year, comfortable with even discussing it. My focus in gigs was off and I found it hard to crack a smile. But I appreciate every bit of positivity I’ve found this year. God bless the female school teacher who spoke to me at MAIA Creatives event in Birmingham this year, your comments stopped me drowning my sorrow that night. Shout out to the young woman who wanted to take a selfie with me at Dream Nation, I apologise I wasn’t able to smile in the photo, I’ll be happy to redo it sometime if you’re willing.

There are more stories, but those stand out the most in my mind. After learning from C.A.L.M that 12 men kill themselves every day in the UK, I’m more willing now to seek help. So far, I’ve found reading Existential Psychotherapy by Irvin Yalom to give me insight into the human condition and the paradoxes we all live daily. I’ve found being frank with your struggles and speaking to others saves yourself a lot of pain. And I cannot but give love to my nearest and dearest who has supported me and put up with me, even in my low points where I’ve projected onto them all my frustration undeservedly. Shout out to all my friends who share care regularly. Genuine affection can never be understated and is always appreciated beyond words.

Thank you for the patience, things haven’t gone to plan but now it’s accepting that it has happened and fighting. I’ve finally been able to write about these experiences in a way I’m happy with and so I’m happy to announce a mini-EP to be released Wednesday 30th December. The title is ‘The Tipping Point’ and the artwork is at the top of this post (yes, that drawing on it is my own, feel free to laugh). I want this to be released just before the New Year so I can truly leave this year with nothing leftover and begin a metaphorical clean slate, although I recognise it’s a daily decision and struggle.

I will be releasing a song from The Tipping Point on Wednesday 16th December on my Soundcloud. It is called ‘The Edge’ and is the final track on the project.

Thank you for reading. And I look forward to a brighter future.

If anyone is going through similar to what I’ve described, please open up and speak to someone. Mental health is as important as physical.

Ruit hora

JayO