I’ve always been sceptical of every claim presented to me. I reminisce my childhood and remember how it was consistent with reminders to ‘read between the lines’ and ‘never take things at face value’. Even those statements were critiqued and challenged. But as they were the first thoughts I was exposed to, their impact and embedding into my psyche is a little harder to shift than later thought patterns.
This scepticism cripples the soul in every endeavour. My youthful optimism and the brashness that came with it in my teenage years withered away as each day passed, the twenties occur and the apparent ‘reality’ of life sets in. Learning of the systems that we’re raised in; it is easy to throw in the towel and accept our lot in this life. This is tempting beyond measure. I breathed this and lived it when I believed in the confines of religion, the sense of forced gratefulness covered my insecurity with what I would now identify as a false blanket, or if it did exist, a thin one.
Humans seek security even when we know we cannot progress when we are secure. Our existence is a consistent conflict. Living and manoeuvring in paradox, clinging onto anything we can claim to be objective, humans seek the sweet pleasure of safety and the ‘known’. But it is only the embracing of the ‘unknown’ that can allow you to grow.
These last 12 months have been a time of consistent inner changes. The man I was 12 months ago would be ashamed of who I am today, and I guess you could say the man I am now is ashamed of the person I was 12 months ago. But it depends on your perception. It always does.
I’ve faced my inner demons and the year 2015 which began in optimism, has had more personal challenges than any other. I’ve attempted to forget half of it but the grim highlights were brought to my mental forefront when flipping through my journal last week. I ended up not paying attention to what I wrote, but was scared to my core remembering the emotion I was overwhelmed with when I was writing it all those months ago. We cannot cover our tracks, as good as we are at suppressing things, the wind blows and what was covered is exposed. Such is life.
I’m tired of my scepticism. I’m putting it to bed. I’ve accepted my apparent social ‘weirdness’ I’ve been tagged with and became grateful for the support I receive in everything I do. I’ve taken a risk this week which has been on my mind for the past 2 months. If it pays off, I’ve gained more than I could imagine in a short space of time. If it doesn’t, I’ve lost a year. But better to fail now than regret not taking the risk when I’m older.
Believe in your dreams. Believe in your dreams even if believing in them seems like a self-inflicted nightmare at times.
I’ve been fixated on a project for some time now. And it’s close to completion. I feel ready. Sleepless nights don’t seem like such a burden anymore.